| food |
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| 02:09pm 25/07/2006 |
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hahaha crap. new song. it sucks. badly, no i mean it sucks at sucking, its alright, this is not important in any way, state or fashion. therefore. i fucked your mom. twice.
and she rules at BJ's but thats just me, im sure your dad dont get it much, the fat fuck cant even get it up for the whore. or so she says. these 40 yr old+s always have the weight of the sexless world on their shoulders. what a waste of mind. and my time, is always on the road to being wasted byt hese scum because you see, i am a magnet for the mundane, bullshit chit chat.
i dont remember what we were talking about, i never do, but i now we spoke for some time, and the new song is called cabbage.
which means, nothing. nithing at all.
Frederick is sweet except for the bugs, warning for all S. Californians- our blood is rich with metalic smog and grit, they love the extra zing, so be sure to wear lots of anti bug spray although the spiders dont give a fuck about that, they reach right into your vain anyways, which means, dont sleep, keep watch all night long and make sure the fuckers cant sink their fangs in you, ya see, we are waiting to be sucked and fucked. |
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| imagine |
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| 03:01pm 30/06/2005 |
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mood:  RUN
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slow moving trucks, five to ten stories high on the freeways, which would expand to at least twenty lanes, they would move like ancient creatures slow and hazy in the sky, roaring with power unaware of the little lives below.
there would be all kinds of trucks moving all kinds of things but i imagined moving trucks for the extremely rich, hoards of jurassic vehicles moving with ugly might. perishables and precious things. the roads below would tremble and shake, the little cars like ants and mice scurrying for free space out of the way avoid being squashed.
the oceans are dried up and like lines of ants we find our machines treading down the walls into the pits of an old world, no morewater but smoke and dust and smog spilling out of the ocean. from far away it is black and cold and close up it is hellish and hot. everything moves like a whale. screams like huge animals. skyscrapers so high they loom over and touch eachother creating a archway metalic sky. this is the world we know.homes are unlivable places where we fornicate and feed. small and cluttered with scrap metal and plates and facets and steam.
there is no culture. none left. there is no race for we are all covered in soot and it is permanently engraved into our skin. number number instead of names. even for boys, odd for girls. with their number you can tell their age sex history of crime habits where they work where they live what they are what they once were.
the earth barely exists, we've dug so deep and replaced it with metal and trash and ash it is fake what we stand on, what plants feed on, and there are no trees we can see. some of the rich(owners of this world) have them in their homes, their islands of retreat, on the 1200th floor, of some titanic building. i keep seeing this when i wake up from dazed sleep. my vision slants and everything slides off like we're being tipped to the side and then i see them. those machines on the horizon. taking years to make their way. i'll come back to this. |
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| fucking sick |
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| 09:53am 25/06/2005 |
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work is hell. other people ... whole countries have it much worse. mass rape ??? yessss. panis at 5730 corsa. not good at all. sound muffled. vision no more. i have no one to take my place. shit shit shit. panic cant tulpe right neeeeeeeeed air s leplllllllle really outof it noww and im dizzy acanr srtae ayone in the fcae hvanig porblsem cfraash crash crrrrrasssssssshhhhhhhhh and brurun |
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| restless |
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| 11:48am 18/06/2005 |
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all the other voices in
traitor
feel so inadequate, but flattered. thanks anyway. |
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| today today today |
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| 02:52pm 15/06/2005 |
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and every day...
in motion
crazy eyes and lips and drip drip drip in a juice room a lovely tomb alone and happy with everyone around in my head in my bed in the shed i am dead |
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| nightmare in question |
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| 11:25am 23/04/2005 |
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mood:  .
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i forgot most of it, i can piece together chapters of real terror that built up into a most unnatural way of dreaming. i have not been so powerless in years of dreaming. fuck, i wish, i could go back to hell
it was so complex, the amount and way of the shit i was in, trapped in a bad place with out of this world insane fucking people, trapped in my own body, i was screaming to them to run, but i could not stop, it was like being possessed. i was taking on their evil, the ones i had especially been trying to get away from. utter panic, fight/flight at their peaks at once
i was hurting something very badly with ? after escaping it myself, james was hurt, i was hurt, and everyone around, in this terrible masquerade of violent failures, chased by something only i could see, and a fucking cop, at the very end before i was woken up was questioning me, and then it happened again... that's when i realized it was me and i said run, nono, the wall had some importance, standin in front waiting out the crowds, but it was outside, i didnt think anone would hear me, and the last thing i think? someone, a girl said she heard me, she believed i wouldnt have done it... i twas a spell, a time when i was so weak and worn that i was easy, finally, to take over..
What??? |
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| void alphabetical again again again |
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| 12:52pm 04/04/2005 |
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mood:  ugh
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nobody here hahahahahahahahaha! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
alone aging again
behind the bend binging badly in a box
cold and cauterized caught in a cats eye
dead of course dried dwindling depths
empty endorphines end of entity
fucking ferociously fornicating faker
grant my greed galant giveup guilt
hello hell he hesitates his honesty
it is invincible inconceivably intoxicating
jailed just for judging JAUNDICE
kill the king kiss the kingdom
lament lame0 least lavish in lush
my man manifests into meaning and matter
nobody nearby no nessecity night needs
of others, on opiates, open orfices
quiet quivering quills quarantined
revolutionary rape reverend of the rich
stop suicide see selectively seduction seclusion
tarnished traced to torture tainted
unforgivable upside undone
verily viscerated veiled
willing wallowing wretched wench
xxx=death death death
you yern yeoman for yesteryears
zingy??? |
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| VOID ALPHABETICAL |
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| 11:07pm 01/04/2005 |
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mood:  shit
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hellooooooooooo
mew
hoped to see you sooner
life throws its curves
so, how fr does the apple fall?
i could make a few references, to coincidences, allocated frequencies...
its all a hoax. its all a hose. its all, in my nose.
however, i farewell myself to the night and dreams and bad smelling feet. sleep sleep sleep. and christ trees.
balese is for my sneeze |
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| die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die died |
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| 02:19pm 12/02/2005 |
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mood:  pained pained pained pained music: repeat repeat repeat die
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today is terrible like most days are
my nose is so stuffy i cant breathe and the boy doesnt care at all hed rather be inconsiderate and blow off our plans. but thats okay. i understand.
i need a scale so i can have legit business transactions and make some money
i go back to bed soon
since im sick i cant say mom without it sounding like bob.
myt cats hate me. thats okay. i would hate me too if i were a cat.
meeeaaaaoow.
i want to drown in my own snot while i take a nap.
then its nobodys fault right?
i hope so. |
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| work on a wednesday |
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| 04:22pm 22/01/2005 |
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mood:  out there somewhere
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it is not wednesday.
so tired this morning. woke up next to a sleepy boy. so sweet.
clothes... smoke a jack... drive to work... fall asleep for an hour here, half an hour there. still very groggy. a lady came in today. she had a lot to say. she said she's going to nueter a cat on thursday, well, she's taking him to a doc i mean. her 19-yr-old cat died recently. her horse died in may. i thought at that point i should tell her about lucy.
she left. good day miss.
and i sat in my armless chair holding a small vial of ashes and i cried for a while. i was thinking about her before the lady came in. feeling like a murderer. remembering what the animal psychic said.
'she thinks you want to get rid of her.'
that really pains me. i feel like a terrible terrible person. won't go into the details now, i think i did a while ago in some journal. i know i did. but the hurt doesn't get softer or easier.
i don't think about how happy she could be up in doggy heaven because i can't prove it or rely on it. but i was picturing her up in the sky chasing birds through giant clouds, charging out of them with a whisp curling around her tail, barking loudly and happily. lucy in the sky with diamonds. i hope that's where she is. the stars are all dead, but so are the ones we look to heavens for, so maybe she resides in a dead star. eternal diamond of the galaxy. i miss her. happy face. but i miss her when she had her legs working, i cry for her when she had to drag herself around. we never wanted to get rid of you.
we loved you so much and we always will.
too much death to my friends. too many lives snuffed out too early. i hate kowing i helped kill her. it was my choice. one day i know i will forgive myself but for now i just can't. i canot imagine being alright with this. i want to write about it because if i cry, maybe i'll feel some resolve, my eyes are wincing and feeling heavy again. i feel sick and grotesque again. i feel hatred and torment, guilt eats me wastes me. i remember putting her down, i put part of myself down too, burnt it to ashes and can't seem to connect our death with a vial of dust. seems wrong, fucked up. i don't want to know about anyones experience, how it wasnt that bad or how it was terrible or how it is over and something better has come. i dont believe in going on, not for now. i have to grieve until i feel i've suffered enough.
how do you suffer for the death, the murder, the theft of ones life. how do you cope? i dont want advice because i will not take it. i could go back to the pet psychic but i dont believe her. all i know if the sensory memory of touching her furr and giving her big hugs. watching her play and eat and sleep and then seeing her decay, and break down and drag herself against the cement with bleeing paws. i was not there for her, so shall i never be. or for anyone else, now i know this. i always used to fantasixe of something so tragic like haing a loved one die in my arms, i felt like i wanted or deserved that pain. i dont know if i do now. she slipped away in my arms and went lifeless before my eyes. i cant go on thinking about it like this, butif i forget i have betrayed my best friend. before anyone in CA she was my girl, and in DC i barely had anyone there. just her and my dog forrest. she was a special girl. not like any other dog. i never saw her as a dog anyway. she was my sister and my companion. she was innocent in ways ill never know or be, and it was vital to have a friend like that. and i killed her. i let her go and now she's gone. i want to leave this place and all that i know. i want to live off the land as a bum or a nomad. as anyone but who i am. |
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| blind |
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| 02:36pm 16/01/2005 |
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mood:  pained music: freeway noise
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i really wander...somewhere in a distant world, i am doing what i choose to do. i am who i have wanted to be. i am not miserable, or regretful, or guilt-ridden there. i am myself still though, and the terrifying self critisicm that milks my will is not all i harbor, there is a place inside me here now that records the activities of my other life with great detail and determination. with unknown maybe unexistent reason it proceeds on its fruitless hunt for the written birth of a new soul inside this rotten seed that might purify or at least kill all that is decaying.
i hope courage hasnt cowered off. sleepy. i can live this life, repetitive, monotonous, meaningless, like a drone, or a machine, respectivley, and pretend to be happy knowing things. and never living up to life, the gift that has been given, or the curse ive been swallowing, what now. what now. where am i? that i won't come out and invite me in?what better life am i knowing what better place? why is she so happy over there? the grass is greener yes, but even when i do stumble into the sunlight toward her the clouds follow me and she is out of reach, or, the heaviness of shadow and depression are like lenses bolted to my eyes in that i will never see without the hint of despair in everything i watch, i just have to remember it is better than it seems, the blue will be replaced with white if i change the meaning of those colors and shades, if only ican relearn what these symbols mean and interpret that ugly facts of my life into somthing beautiful that i can enjoy and miss and love and oh gosh!blah blahfuckingblah lex shut the fuck up angry letters get angry trash the screen create a fucking virus!!!!!!blind anyone who readsklj;fdakdjf;lsjfkjsa;;;;ienblind!!!!!!!!iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigood. |
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| and so it goes===============>>>TO SHIT!!!! |
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| 11:18am 09/01/2005 |
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moving to MD for the summer this year. cannot believe my bladder.
peeeeee!!!need to!!! gogogo gadget! go go gadget turkey! gogo gadget miserable life!
haha...i met him under the tree, and i remembered he was the face behind that line. gogo. miserable life. as a drunk, on a couch, with the other james, james who told me about him. james who introduced us years ago. james who is broken to me, and i miss his friendship like a piece of me was erased but not the memory. i miss you james tchater however you spell your name. i have a lover and hes like no other, but he leaves me for his friends and he doesnt believe id fit in. neither do i but he could at least try to make me feel welcome. i never feel welcome.
i miss old friends. i fear that most of them, although i could find them again, would not be the same, and i would cry and stare into the eyes of a ghost of someone i once knew. and they stare out of those eyes and see a faded glimpse of this girl who was a god at some point but more like a boy, and the comfort i once brought them is reclusive and nervous and we will never be the same. i bet it would be like that if i spent a while with j.
do he love me? never he will. but i do never stop my loving him. and it feeds into an abyss of shit and rotting fruit.
dead like something in me. dead like something grows around us eats it up like alcoholic frost.
natives and the drink. a broken chord. a yellow raft on an enormous breaker. an abused guitar, a forgotten voice. nothing like happiness. forgotten like childhood. hated like a sibling, long after their early death.
and he just hung up on me.
bastard. |
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| I FORGOT!!! |
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| 11:55am 18/12/2004 |
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wednesday was my birthday!!!happy day to meeeeeeeeeeee!!! i am now 19 years old. james turned 21 on thursday, funny his day is after mine. anyhoo, happiness to you |
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| copy paste |
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| 11:48am 18/12/2004 |
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mood:  SLEEEP MOTHERFUCKER!
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this dream isin an email i sentto james.
i had some odd dreams last night, a mansion, a beautiful home, surrounded by cliffs and rocks and water falls and streams and trees and the ocean down below, like we lived in some heaven and earth slowly went about at the bottom of our mountain. i had to fight harsh waters to get there, i had no boat, so i clung to the sharp rocks and tried to mold myself against them when the pounding waves would come and try to pull me away. broken pieces of a wooden boat float by as i struggled against the current. and finally i reach the top where i find a flight of crumbling stairs that curve thru an archway of rock and trees and hiding/laughing wildlife. the top is a beauty, black rock shaped perfectly, like soft rolling frozen night, and tumbling clear water flows thru the whole estate. small groves of trees cradled by cliffs and bright green foliage, giving way to more secret paths in the mountain. one tree, larger than the rest, stood alone in the sky reaching out with so many branches, it was so thick but had few leaves, it must be fall, i had my camera and i took ten pictures of that tree meeting the clouds and the sun, the sillhouette like an old god.
the stark beauty of this place was almost perfect, but my mother was there, and i think my father. they were coming down on me about something i dont do right. and they jabbed me while i clicked away trying to get a good angle. i tried to take a shower but the water came out of a hose that fell out of the wall and splattered all over my bathroom and i had to fix it and never got to take a shower. so i left the house and went to a market to buy food and i was with cherie i think and we were constantly being harrassed. everyone in my dream was looking or complaining or goving some kind of shit. i was trying to remember what kind of mushrooms are used in this dish but people kept bothering me and i got nowhere. by the time i got to the house it was dark and no one was alive or anywhere to be found. although it was nice, i felt like id been cheated out of something that might've been good. so i slept outside by the edge of the cliff, under my tree, staring out into the ocean as the last bit of sunlight trailed off over the horizon.
i guess i woke up with an agenda. i group of people i think. we drove to some rural hollywoodish place(?), whre i movie had been filmed. i was waiting around trying to find something interesting to do. the stars of this movie were some famous blonde and ben affleck. why i was dreaming about a blond and ben affleck i havent the slightest, but anyway. i think i was talking to samuel jackson when this guy balu wanted to introduce me to the blonde, she was with her equally immaculet friend and they got out of an suv as i was meeting them. i held out my hand 'hi im lex' but she took a step back and gave a nervous smile, and i spoke for her, 'oh yeah, sorry, the whole fame thing right? yeah you cant shake a nobody's hand or something, too personal?' she gave another grin, and my stomach turned at the idea that i was trying to understand her snotty behavior. i walked away laughing to myself and balu cam up and said 'yeah a bitch, but just dont talk to ben, she'll rip you apart'. i doubted this seriously, and i had no intention of meeting mr. affleck. i was wearing a summer dress that went to my knees and my hair was a cute mess and i was barefoot with ankle braclets and beads in my hair. i decided to try my balance on these metal poles like railing or something, so i skipped from polw to pole barefoot singing a tune and ignoring the stars. ben and his buddy came up to me then, i guess they were interseted in the free spirit thing i had going. so i spoke to them for a bit and picked thorns out of my feet when the blonde caught me speacking to her bitch and i went running on the poles laughing and shouting as the girl came after me in a blind rage. all i remember after that was a loud 'hahahahahaha!' flowing behind her as people laughed, i went running along inch thick poles that were cold to my feet, and sweating and smiling and fyling thru the world till i woke up.
pleasant, but strange. |
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| once upon a time... |
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| 03:10pm 20/11/2004 |
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mood:  contemplative
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they don't know about the places i go on my lunch breaks. they have never been there before and i imagine would never go in the future. those kind of people go out into the minimall shopping centers for an hour and a half lunch to eat outside with the other rich yuppies in front of minimum wage paying fod joints while pretending to fulfill their role in society. make the appearance, take advantage of your status, and get some fat on those ribs.
i chew my lips.
i can do it too though. it isn't some incredible miracle of neandrethal behavior, i am none too superior to enjoy the fast paced dissapointment of experiencing life as its sold on the streets. in the malls, and ghostly halls of commercial businesses. i even chat with a smile on my face to the consumers i get to sell off with enclosed empty space. i kow that if i can get them to buy the bigger, pricier, unit they'll load as much crap as it takes to make them feel happy, and worth something, though in most cases, emptier maybe? with all the crap collected along the dwindeling years taken out of our lives to make room for something more important, everything loses its old meaning. the fabrication of delight and fulfillment permeating off of materials once shrouding us now leaves us naked, and priceless, which most translate ignorantly into worthlessness.
i feel the rawness of my cheek start to gush and taste like metal.
and so it is yet ot be spoken of.
where do i go, where do i venture, what do i seek?
to find better more efficient ways to numb the pain of apathy and motionlessness. i know i am haunted. and i run without a blindfold, but with my eyes shut. this will have to be conntinued....
....to be continued.... |
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| whywouldn't you wastedeath? |
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| 11:18am 20/11/2004 |
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mood:  feed me? music: tell me what you want and ill tell you what you missed
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i find it hard to get away from the feeling of nausea. why control...
i want to go on a walk. i want to play my goddanm guitar. write some tunes...
it was pretty, but i left early so i didn't have to witness it dieing... i float on... dododododo-do-do i backied my car into a cop car the other day well he just drove off sometimes lifes okay.dododododo-do-do......
alright already...
i passed a guy in the street that i'll never see again
my lover is as estranged form me as i was from that random man
change is innevitable then why hasn't the world gotten any better
alright already
its a bittersweet happiness that never goes away in the midst of basking
in depression i realize i should always know that the source is a beautiful place... and a desolate endangered paradise of paradyme, but you know, you know what you like best...and if it mattered enough you could have it all in a slap on the ass to get you going. i got a golden basket of dirt...
oh, you know, when you look around, it's all so rotten and overdone and eaten while molding. you wonder why we're always so sick.
look at what can happen to you if you don't take care of yourself.
not so fun when you're the one whose blood is in the test tube.
i ate my food.
i t w a s g o o d . . .d o n ' t y o u l o v e m e ? |
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| Badmotorfinger |
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| 09:52am 20/11/2004 |
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mood:  working on living music: Razorlight-Le Tigre-Hole-Modest Mouse
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it'snotasmuchfuntopickupthepieces...
'this is 80's hair metal..quiet riot...cum on feel the noise, ha, a good ol' day at work. found a good radio station on the internet...which will be the highlight of my day, here i mean at self storage. lata... the annual weekend before tahnksgiving thanksgivine feast at alli's. i brought over baked grn. bean casserole. they gotta bake it 5+ minutes begore serving to crisp the top layer of girls rock your boys! french fried onions.
gawd i love some raunchy hair metal once in while.
smoked a bowl before work this morning. didn't get any sleep till around 3 or 4. tossed. and turned. so i made todays lunch, mm-mmm. go le tigre. pita sandwich with pickle mayo tomatoe falafel avacado cheddar hummas with a side of olives and pineapple. TKO. oh-oooh. this is happy fuckin shit i like. need or want to hear more yes possible.scarecrow fucklove. vivaldi. hear it on the radio play it on the sterio...hm.
really, not'a thing to do. soundgarden now wow. 90's flashvack |
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| ****anger**** |
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| 12:16pm 11/11/2004 |
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mood:  fuck music: jazzersize
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hate...work...lonely...boredom...nothing to do here...nothing to look forward to today...must go home and return moms van...hate her much...slow boredom...wasted day...wasted holidays...need food...broke...hate everyone...wish for death...wish for life...waste away in this chair...in this office...in this weather...in this hell...terrible cooljazz on the radio...sleep...no sleep...no hope...nothing
as of now i am very resentful of anything outside this box called my job.
i can see how sloths get on with their day. so boring, do everything very slowly, and take up as much time as possible, loose concepts of time, and looky-here, the days already over.
not for me.
kill kill kill |
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| ...brother keeps on walking, and i swear brother i think im losin my mind |
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| 02:23pm 09/11/2004 |
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mood: bubblebrains music: i will turn into muck
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"can you spare a dime? BROTHER! brother can you spare a dime... brothercanyouspaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare a di-yee-yime?"
got my camera back got my camera back! too bad tho. james isn't around to be in my pictures. i want to take a million pics of him. he's so beautiful. the most beautiful boy i ever laid eyes on, or that i ever laid... either way he's mine mine mine!
unless of course my coldness turned him away forever last night. i hope not. i'm too happy to be alone. hehehe hates me..........
fuck face fuck face fuck face
clean car
ima get the fuck outta dodge
i dont want to be there when you wake up
i dont want you snortin half of my dust
i dont want to tell you my real name
i dont want people thinkin that we are the same
oh baby
oh yeah
oh baby
oh yeah |
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weakkneedpuke's journal